Touchstones of Character
by Devony V
Summary: "Dreaming men are haunted men." Never in his life had he felt so vulnerable. Especially when it was his own subconscious that was hurting him. His fear of losing her was taking over his entire life. *Rated for language


**I've read so many military stories, but it's always the dudes going out there. What happens when the pop-star gets with the Marine? I picked the title from this really cool quote I found. I hope y'all enjoy it!**

**God Bless Our Troops!**

Outside, the crickets were chirping, but were only distinctly heard. He tried to ignore the annoying sound and concentrate on lying completely still. He wasn't sure how much time had passed since he'd laid down. He hoped sleep would come soon.

If she was here, she'd probably be rolling her eyes and telling him to just relax and sleep would soon claim him. But he wasn't having sleeping trouble. In fact, falling asleep was what James was afraid of. He'd fall asleep just fine when she was in his arms. He just couldn't bear another endless night of sobbing quietly and holding her pillow to his chest; especially with his unusually busy schedule. He'd leave for meetings and interviews, only to have people question him about his tired eyes and the dark shadows around his eyes that never seem to go away. They went away when she was home. Only then was he at his healthiest.

He resisted the urge to look at the clock. It was eleven o'clock when he'd laid down. He'd checked the other clock on his iPhone; it was seven thirty in the morning over there.

The nightmares had started the night she'd left. He'd had a flashback from when she was at the airport in her uniform, her usually soft brown locks tied into a severe bun and her twisting her engagement ring around her finger. She wasn't supposed to wear it out there, so he kept it on the chain that held her old dog tags. "So I'm always close to your heart," she'd said softly, placing her hand on his chest.

"You're apart of it," he'd said back, placing his hand on hers. She'd bit her lip and wrapped her arms around his neck. "And that'll never change." He'd wrapped his strong arms around her waist and rested his chin on her head. He'd felt the tears coming and he pushed his face into her neck, sniffling.

She had ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his cheek. "Don't cry, love. I'll be back before you know it."

The final boarding call was made. He'd pulled back, his breath hitching. He stared into her wide hazel-green eyes, his own filling with tears. He didn't know how she held it together every time she left. He nearly cried like a baby every time.

She'd gently pulled his head down and their lips met. He'd wrapped his strong arms around her body and held her to him tightly, not wanting to let go. She kept one hand on the back of his neck and the other rubbed his back. He'd begun shaking when she pulled away.

"I have to go," she whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too. Forever." he'd planted a kiss on her forehead and hugged her one last time. He moved his mouth closer to her ear and whispered, "Come back to me."

She didn't answer. She never did, because they both knew she couldn't promise that.

She stepped away, keeping her hand to his cheek before turning and shifting her bag that rested on her shoulder. It was the same every time; the way the warmth left when she took her hand back. He knew her sweet smile would melt into her stone-cold expression that she carried while on duty. And his heart would break once more once her hand left his.

Her sturdy figure melted away into the line of green with the other soldiers. He'd kept his eye on where she'd disappeared, praying that she'd turn around even though he knew she wouldn't. He walked up to the window and stood there, leaning his head against the glass. He stared with glassy eyes at the plane as it had pulled out and took off in the air. "I love you," his whispered as it disappeared. "I'll be waiting." He'd then left and gone back to their apartment.

For the next few months he was comatose. His body was on autopilot, but it got easier as it went on. Sure, things weren't the same; he constantly worried about something happening to her. He couldn't protect her from thousands of miles away. She was out there, protecting him and everyone around him. But she would remind him with the rare phone calls that would come that no matter what happens, life goes on. Always. He assumed that she meant that she'd soon be back and life would go on.

She'd left twice before. The first time was before they'd started dating. He'd become nearly crazy over the 6 months that had followed. The second she'd come back, she was surprised to see him waiting for her at the airport. She didn't have any relatives in San Diego- at the time he hadn't known that much about her at all. The second time was when they'd started getting serious and she left again, this time for 10 months. The day she'd returned he was waiting impatiently at the airport while everyone got off the plane except for her. He'd begun to panic until he was her helping some men carry out a paraplegic- and he'd fallen in love with her even more.

She'd barely gotten a moment to say goodbye to her troops when he'd grabbed her from behind and hugged her, crying and kissing until she assured him that she really was there. They'd returned to their everyday lives, laughing together and spending time on the beach and whatever time James wasn't working together.

Now, she was gone again, for a whole year.

Never in his life had he felt so vulnerable. Especially when it was his own subconscious that was hurting him. His fear of losing her was taking over his entire life.

After the last dream- in which he'd been expected to speak at a funeral, and breaking down in front of everyone when he saw who was in the coffin- he'd finally called Logan for advice. The young man was finishing up med school and was able to diagnose the perfect solution.

"If you follow all these steps, you'll go into sleep paralysis," Logan had said through the phone while James read the e-mail intently. "With some practice, you'll be able to control your dreams."

James throat had been tight when he'd answered. "Thanks Logie," he'd chocked out. No more dreams of identifying her body at the morgue. No more hallucinations of that dreaded phone call that would have come to him. But it was hardly worth it. It said he had to lay still and he couldn't. He'd grown up as a compulsively active person- they both had- and he couldn't possibly lay still any longer.

James finally gave up. This was too irritating. He rolled over and glanced at the clock.

_What the actual fuck. It's been over an hour._

He sighed and reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out the small box, staring at it.

_Soon_.

He replaced it, rolled back over and grabbed her pillow. He breathed in deeply, still smelling her scent on it. It had been months since she'd left. He pulled the pillow into his chest and held it there, trying to think of her last day at home. It was too heartbreaking, so he tried to reminisce about the first time he'd seen her. How he'd felt like his heart was going to explode after seeing her run on the beach, the way she'd flown past him without giving the surfer a second glance, how her nose had crinkled up cutely with the confused look she'd shot him once he'd caught up with her, how her personality put some type of spell over him when they joked around, how he yearned to make her laugh just to hear it. Her laugh was infectious. Her voice was addicting. The one thing that she always pretended to be annoyed about was how he was constantly touching her hair. She wasn't worried about him messing it up- he sure would freak if anyone else besides her touched his hair- but he couldn't help it. It was beautiful. And it practically claimed he as his own- holding her hair or her waist, and stroking whatever bare skin she was showing or running his fingers through his hair- it was addicting.

He finally succumbed to the arms of sleep. He smiled slightly.

Little did he knew that a voicemail was being received by his cell phone that very second.

"Hi, Jay, it's me. I just wanted to send you this. I hope you aren't asleep yet...I just wanted to say that I love you and I can't wait to get home. Only another month, baby. Just one more.I love you so much. Don't ever forget that. I can't wait to see you."

**I started this forever ago and I just felt like finishing it. I was feeling hormonal. I'm thinking about turning this into a series if y'all like it. Maybe…a prequel explaining how James met this dream girl? And a sequel detailing her return?**

**PS I'm continuing Four Brothers for those of you who had read it. I've just read so many kidnapping stories and I'm like, "How do I go about this?" **

**Thanks!**

**-V**


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